Monday, October 12, 2009

The Vampire Survival Guide

While most of us love the mysterious and sexy vampire - who is sweet on the inside and a bad boy on the outside, chances are, if vampires existed they probably wouldn't be the type you would want to run way with. The Vampire Survival Guide: How to Fight, and Win, Against the Undead by Scott Bowen is here to do just as it promises - to fight and win against the undead.

On a side rant, before I continue, you will notice that Scott Bowen has no link attached to his name - because I could not find a blog, website, or a social networking site on him... which I think is inexcusable. There is no point these days for a business or author to not be available online. Free advertising! Ok. I'm done.

The Vampire Survival Guide is a fun, gimmicky book - one of those funny things you get a friend for a gift, scan through the pages reading about this or that and probably keep it on your bookshelf - probably not ever completely read through. Sadly, it is quite easy to give as a gift because it's selling price, new, on Amazon is $2.47. That being said, I will admit that I didn't read the whole thing page for page... I did scan through several times and read some entertaining excerpts. The book covers vampire anatomy and power structure through how to kill them, and is filled with random questions (like can a vampire dog bite my dog and turn it into a vampire dog too?). If I didn't already own this book I would buy it for $2.47. It's a good book for a vampire fan... not exactly 100% following popular myth and legend, but fun none-the-less. Here is an excerpt that I found entertaining (page 156):

Random Question: What if my spouse/significant other fantasizes about a relationship with a vampire?

Vampires have a strong sexual element, both in a literary sense and in person, assuming that the vampire in question looks a lot like Antonio Banderas in Interview with the Vampire or Monica Bellucci in Bram Stoker's Dracula (yeah, she was in that). Indeed, there will be some really hot vampires. Your spouse's fixation, however, could easily go beyond the imagination: He or she could desire some kind of self-destructive tryst with the undead.

Psychologists and psychotherapists will have all fled to their second homes in gated communities in Martha's Vineyard and the Caribbean, so finding professional help will be out of the questions. (Yes, some dedicated psychotherapists will stay in the country, and they'll be swamped with calls and will probably get turned into vampires anyway.) So, you'll have to deal with it yourself.

First, to what degree does your spouse fantasize? Is this a true fantasy, that is, does she know it's ludicrous, but indulges it in a wholly fantastical way? That's merely insulting, not real trouble (for now). Do what you can to shift her undead fantasies to the killer of the undead (you), and you'll find yourself getting some hot lovin'. Maybe dress a little more provocatively, and shoot vampires more than you need to (ammo store providing). Get a little aggressive. Show your passion. Cut off a vampire's head and nail it to the wall, and make sure your spouse sees you do it. She'll slowly realize that the desired fantasy figure is the person of action - a dangerous person (not an undead person) and you're it.

But if you spouse really has it in for a vampire, in a psychotic way, you might have to resort in some extralegal actions. This will involve duct tape. Figure it out.

I think most of us like the vampires capable of fulfilling our fantasies. Tomorrow tune in for a guest blog about why it's a good idea to date vampires.

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